I never want to see another naked old woman again.
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
And that's when he stuck his finger up his own ass to prove it would feel good...
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
I dnt think she needs convincing on the threesome part, it's the threesome with your roommate situation that needs some work
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
the funny thing was, all i remember was a liter of vodka and going to oneonta for the night. then 2 weeks later bam, i get a letter banning me from campus for the next 4 years. awesome convorsation with my dad to wake up to.
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
Randomize
