I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
cant go down on her man, her vagoo reminds me of a face hugger from aliens
oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
She fucked me for a ride to the airport. If this is what the rest of college is like, I'm never graduating.
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
Randomize
