Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
btw my roommates send a round of applause to you and that guy you tried to fuck on our wall. Additionally they hope he got it in.
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
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