there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
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