Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
We went rollerblading down high street singing "Free Falling"in ketchup and mustard costumes. A car full of guys drove by and yelled out their window "Need a hot dog with that?!" Naturally, we woke up at their apartment.
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
I just bumped into this random I hooked up with a few years ago at Steve's party. Talk about a fingerblast from the past!
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
Randomize
