I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
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