Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
I have been running off of weed, alcohol, and Mexican food. What is Tallahassee.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
Come on down you're the next contestant on "lets go drinking!"
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
