I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
So my graduate coordinator is possible gay man. I may have just found the easiest way to a degree ever.
Good plan b, put your number on all your forms. Hello gamefull employment.
Take that integrity
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
No. If I hated you would get none. Then I would eat them all in front of you and laugh at your tears. Although that hasn't been ruled out for entertainment purposes. Nothing purposeful.
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
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