I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
Apparently we both projectiled on Erin at the same time.
That's some true roommate bonding right there.
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
Randomize
