Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
I'm gonna fuck that sweet little pussy of yours into absolute submission
Wow. Sorry. As soon as I sent that I felt inappropriate. But yes. Bring a sandwich after. Lol
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
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