Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
she played "i just wanna get married" by jagged edge while we were having sex. why cant i avoid stage 5 clingers
I'm Still in a robe trying to piece together 3-7am I'll be there in a few
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
I won't be able to get a boner for a month
Challenge accepted.
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
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