Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
Just know I'm having fun but I still have my motor functions.
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
And I hope you're not misinterpreting us fucking as me trying to win you back. The sex is good and girls have needs.
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
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