Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
Soooo, hypothetically, how long would roommates have to sleep together before its considered dating...
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
Randomize
