Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
thought so. i woke up and he was playing with my eyeliner. I MAKE GREAT CHOICES.
I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
I haven't had to masterbate since I started dating him over a year ago. I don't even know if I remember how and my vagina is calling.
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
Randomize
