Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
Randomize
