This dress was meant to end up on your floor
how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
we both passed out while playing beer pong, woke up in the morning and continued to play coffee pong to cure our hangovers
just walked into the room and her sister said loudly, "do him, or I will."
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
Randomize
