you could play connect the dots with the people ive fucked in this room
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
Randomize
