speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
Serious question: is he hot or is my vagina just that barren?
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
