she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
Body paints and jello. Your canvas awaits
Another sexterpiece awaits
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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