New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
Woke up next to a slice if pizza. From what i can tell I tried to plug it into my phone charger. No more blackout wednesdays for this girl.
Randomize
