Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
Funny thing- my attraction to each one is inversely proportional to his level of availability.
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
MTV running anti-sexting commercials is a slap in the face to everything our generation has accomplished.
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
1. Are there men involved 2. Is there food involved 3. Do I have to put pants on 4. Do I have to leave this bed
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
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