I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
so he must've not known that your lastname is Came because everytime someone would say your name he would scream "NO SHE DIDNT" to the whole party. He must've not been too good then either.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
Listen I don't care what it's called as long as it's drugs
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
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