Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
We'll see haha. The cum didn't work...I just chewed the whole thing in a day.
I hope you meant gum...
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
I know I don't have feelings for him because I feel completely ashamed every time after we have sex
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
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