Spencer Pratt, I WILL beat the shit out of you someday, I Promise
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
Randomize
