Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
Some fat girl belted her graduation gown. That is not a good look for anyone.
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
I don't know if I'm feeling really nervous right now or just extremely horny.
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
