Ok im wearing a joe flacco jersey and full stick on unibrow and hardly anyone else dressed up omg
Omg suz!! take the unibrow off
No! im just getting hammered instead
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
Inquiring minds want to know if your Bf is circumcised
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
Randomize
