if you like me you must not know who I am
dude, she has braces
i meant the dude w the ponytail.
i was less creeped out when i thought you were talking about the 14 y.o.
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
There are twenty eight units in that building. There has to be at least one heterosexual in it. You can't have fucked your way through all of it.
Randomize
