well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
other than her wanting kids and me wanting to do drugs,were perfect for each other
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
whose ass print is on the piano?
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
I'm beginning to think the entirety of my appeal is due to the size of my ass.
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
Seriously, he's as bad as Joffrey. I hope this ends like Game Of Thrones did.
Randomize
