shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
we turned his baptism video into a drinking game
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
YOU CAN'T BASE A RELATIONSHIP OFF A PENIS
I LIKE HIS TONGUE TOO.
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
I mean it's a good blow job, but it's not worth the four hour round trip.
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
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