Well you know what I always say about freshmen.... If you want it, and they've got it... get it.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
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And then i made him answer questions about me before i took off my clothes
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
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All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
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