Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
I have seen more male genitalia at this party tonight than I ever want to see again in my entire life.
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
I'll still trying to understand the context of your "punch her with my cock" comment.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
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