roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
We are not buying weed off a guy from the internet.
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
He said "just hugs" and ran away screaming.
So it may have been laced, sue me.
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
I smelled him yesterday and almost relapsed he's like cocaine
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
Nice people suck dick too. I'm proof.
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
Randomize
