i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
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