...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
Everything was yummy and fruit flavored and five alive and happymeas.
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
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