she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
I know man...but i cant pass up a catholic school girl fantasy
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
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Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
I cant believe im wasting my plan b experience on this guy. I should have saved it for someone special.
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
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You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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