It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
He is like the real live version of the state fair..
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
Last time we had a party like that I woke up naked on the pool table with a chalk outline around me and a empty bottle of jager duct taped to my hand.
Yea. I'm excited about this party too
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
So it's safe to say that it's all down hill from here
Do you mean easy livin or downward spiral of alcoholism and disappointment
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
Randomize
