I changed my mind about Tim Gunn. I like him now. Mostly because he said someone's dress looks like a gay t-rex. Or something.
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
Nobody is stopping the marines from drinking in class on veterans day. They literally brought a cooler with a bottle of whiskey and vodka on ice. And are passing out red cups to anyone interested. Staying in Vegas for college has officialy become an A+ decision
You should have thought about how you were going to treat me before having me take photos of your asshole.
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
This is the beginning of the end. Testicle Tuesdays and free ball Friday are going to scar people for life
Dude that picute of your balls will haunt my nightmares
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
Randomize
