Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
He busted his lip while trying to keep from passing out in the pool. The hotel people don't seem to be too concerned that we're passing around a bottle of SoCo at 11 am.
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
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