Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
What's the big deal? you guys fuck
3 times is my limit. I don't even want to know you exist after 3 times
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
