I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
Anyone see the sob who took the piñata?
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
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