I think I died a long time ago.
from now on my penis is your penis
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
Well, ive pounded a baby into a stripper and a girl who was on jerry springer, a 16 year old is logically next.
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
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