I swear god or herbie drove my car home
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
Well two things you gotta know if you're gonna live here. your alcohol tolerance is gonna need to go up, and people do blow. Get used to it. Nobody is gonna pressure you into it. That shits expensive
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
There is a time and place for BDSM, in-between disney sing-alongs is not one of them.
Randomize
