I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
Horny girl and non horny girl have different views on life
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
Hmd? did you really just created an abbrievation for hold my dick?
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
I'd recommend you leave that level of crazy to the experts. I'd start with an under appreciated soccer mom if I were you.
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
You ruined the universe
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
