she was hot for a redneck and i dont look at teeth
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
Im a photoshop master, i successfully reduced the size of the pupils of all the girls I made out last night with to prove they were not that drunk. So glad the camera goes home with me.
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
