you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
I was Jaeger weird. I was rolling on the floor pretending to be an Olympic gymnast and my name was Gina
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
