i saw a guy balancing a black cat on his head last nite
get a pic
i tried he was too far away anotherguy was walking with paper bags on his feet explain that
i want ur life
sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
I woke up under a house in Key West
Randomize
