so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
Come on, it shouldn't be that hard NOT to suck someone's dick
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
first one here with a pint of chicken lo mein, aspirin, and diet green tea ginger ale, gets a full effort bj the day after tomorrow.
ur not supposed to find someone to make out with when ur bf takes u to his SISTERS house to hang out with her and her husband
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
I didnt finish. My brain kept playing the duck tales theme thru the entire blow job
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
Randomize
