I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
Dude she pregamed for her sorority's philanthropy.
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
Come back. Shots need mouths.
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Randomize
