And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
i wish i could watch tv and lissten to music at the same time...but still understand both
i think otters can do that
I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
I deem her datable let the dance of attraction commence
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
Randomize