Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
Randomize
