i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
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No Robbie is the name of a kid or dog, not an adult man who's fucking you.
You said that we all need to "head out like a boner through sweatpants and get fucked." Jager night was a success.
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
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I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
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