It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
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