was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
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