apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
Day two of taking my adderall. I just organized the pantry and alphabetized my dvds. I've missed my mind on drugs
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
Another reason why I like dubstep now, it makes me feel even higher than I already am.
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
we finally found him at 2 am. he was 3 miles from the house and tried running into the lake when he saw us pull up. i don't think he'll be taking ecstacy again any time soon.
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
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