I really love her but I don't think I can go the rest of my life without anal.
No, you can still breathe under the balls.
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
Come over I need help. I just almost died in an acid flashback while listening to do You Feel Like We Do off of the Frampton Comes Alive album.
Randomize
