Can't talk. I'm at the Tulsa Sheriff's office with a bunch of rednecks. I bet I'm the only one that voted for Obama.
I bet you're the only one who could read the ballott.
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
his mom cheated on his dad so i think he has a weird freudian thing for whores
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
Randomize
