You hurt me so bad and it feels so good
I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
You held your own hair and threw up into a red cup...I think they were more amazed than upset.
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
Life for us students isn't all fun and drunken lesbian affairs you know
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
Randomize
