i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
Randomize
