Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
My first STD was from a foam party
North Korea, Best Korea!
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
Randomize
