the real housewives reunion is on...i wanna see if danielle can look any more surprised than the facelift allows
i wanna see dina punch her face back to normal
had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
There are six slides. In going to pee in five of them. You have to guess which one to go down. Agree?
Agreed.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
Fair enough. Everyone has some guilty pleasures. Yours is yourself
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
i think she learned that just cuz half shots were easier, doesnt mean she can have triple as many.
Randomize
